Little Johnny was eating breakfast one morning and got to thinking
about things. "Mommy, mommy, why has daddy got so few
hairs on his head?" he asked his mother.
"He thinks a lot," replied his mother, pleased with herself for
coming up with a good answer to her husband’s baldness.
Or she was until Johnny thought for a second and asked, "So why
do you have so much hair?"
Joke 2
An old man was on his death bed. He wanted badly to take all
his money with him. He called his priest, his doctor and his
lawyer to his bedside.
"Here’s $30,000 cash to be held by each of you. I trust you
to put this in my coffin when I die so I can take all my
money with me."
At the funeral, each man put an envelope in the coffin.
Riding away in a l! imousine, the priest suddenly broke into
tears and confessed that he had only put $20,000 into the
envelope because he needed $10,000 for a new baptistery.
"Well, since we’re confiding in each other," said the doctor,
"I only put $10,000 in the envelope because we needed a new
machine at the hospital which cost $20,000."
The lawyer was aghast. "I’m ashamed of both of you," he
exclaimed. "I want it known that when I put my envelope in
that coffin, it contained my personal check for the full
$30,000."
Joke 3
A customer at Green’s Gourmet Grocery marveled at the proprietor’s
quick wit and intelligence.
"Tell me, Green, what makes you so smart?"
"I wouldn’t share my secret with just anyone," Green replies, lowering
his voice so the other shoppers won’t hear. "But since you’re a good and faithful customer, I’ll let you in on it. Fish heads. You eat enough
of them, you’ll be positively brilliant."
"Y! ou sell them here?" the customer asks.
"Only $4 apiece," says Green.
The customer buys three. A week later, he’s back in the store
complaining that the fish heads were disgusting and he isn’t any smarter.
"You didn’t eat enough, " says Green. The customer goes home with 20 more fish heads. Two weeks later, he’s back and this time he’s really angry.
"Hey, Green," he says, "You’re selling me fish heads for $4 apiece
when I can buy the whole fish for $2. You’re ripping me off!"
"You see?" says Green. "You’re smarter already."
Joke 4
Susan, pregnant with her first child, paid a visit to her
obstetrician’s office.
After the exam, she shyly began, "My husband wants me to ask you…"
"I know, I know," the doctor said, placing a reassuring hand on her
shoulder. "I get asked that all the time. Sex is fine until late in
the pregnancy."
"No, that’s not it," Catherine confessed. "He wants to know if ! I can
still mow the lawn."
Joke 5
Wearly is terribly overweight, so her doctor puts her on a diet. "I
want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day, and repeat this
procedure for two weeks. The next time I see you, you’ll have lost at
least five pounds." Wh en the blonde returns, she’s lost nearly 20 pounds. "Why, that’s amazing!" the doctor says. "Did you follow my instructions?" She nods. "I’ll tell you, though, I thought I was going to drop dead that third day." "From hunger, you mean?" asked the doctor. "No, from skipping."
Joke 6
Fuqan went out for a walk. He comes to a river and sees another man on the opposite bank. "Yoo-hoo" he shouts, "how can I get to the other side?"
The other man looks up the river then down the river then shouts back, "You are on the other side."
Joke 7
An executive was interviewing a young lady for a position in his
company.
He wanted to find out something about her! personality so he asked,
"If you could have a conversation with anyone, living or dead, who would it be?"
The lady quickly responded, "The living one."
Joke 8
A police officer stops a lady for speeding, and asks her very nicely
if he could see her license. Huffily, she replied, "I wish you guys would
make up your mind. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!"
Joke 9
Cindy was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. When it was her turn, she
rolled the dice, and landed on "Science & Nature." Her question was,
"If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?" She thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or off?"
Joke 10
A little girl made a cup of tea for her mother.
" I didn’t know you could make tea, " said mom taking a sip.
"Yes , I boiled some water , added the tea leaves like you do, and
then strained it into a cup. But I ! couldn’t find the strainer , so I used
the fly swatter."
"What!" exclaimed mom , choking on her tea !
"Oh , mom it’s ok , don’t worry. I didn’t use the new fly swatter. I
used the old one. "
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